Illustration by Sébastien Thibault
Real Talk is a relationship advice column featuring questions from readers and answers from experts. Some details may be changed to protect the privacy of the people profiled. It is not a substitute for seeking professional psychological or medical advice.
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Our reader Ann from Gatineau, Que., writes:
For many years I’ve had sole custody of my son. His father has visitation one day a week. The night my son comes back from a day with his father he’s often grumpy and sometimes repeats negative statements about me that I can only assume he’s heard from his father. I’ve never spoken ill of his father to him.
Once that transition day is over, our dynamic tends to improve. My son seems to enjoy being with his father, but chores and homework only seem to occur at my house. Now a teen, he sometimes chooses to spend extra days with his dad when he can.
I’m trying to take the high road and do what’s best for our child, including responding to his critiques with more curiosity than defensiveness while still setting the record straight. Is there something I should be doing differently – either in how I interact with my son or how I manage my own frustration?
From the therapist: Leah Macpherson, registered psychotherapist and certified parent educator in Toronto
Navigating family separation and shared custodial arrangements can be a challenge for many children – particularly adolescents, with their more advanced social awareness and sometimes intense, rapid shifts in emotions. The moodiness can be hard for adults to understand and parent around.
Most of these behaviours are normal, driven by the structural remodelling that happens in the brain during adolescence. To better understand these neurological changes, I recommend the book Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, by Dr. Dan Siegel.
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It shows restraint and maturity on your part not to speak of your son’s father in a denigrating way. Spouses that bad-mouth one another put their children in a loyalty bind. It can make them feel they have to choose sides. If they enjoy time with one parent, they might feel they are betraying the other. For many young people, fraught parental relationships cause feelings of guilt, confusion and anxiety around the transitions between parental visitations.
When your son comes home from visiting his father, I would encourage you to approach him with four Cs: curiosity, compassion and clear communication. This likely won’t be a “one and done” chat, but a series of conversations over time. Ask questions that don’t put him on the defensive, such as: What does he like about time with dad? Are there things he finds tricky to navigate? How does he feel when his dad says negative things about his mother? How does he handle or respond to it?
You have observed your son’s behaviour when he gets home and acts out. Now you need to find out more about the thinking and feeling behind it. Your son may need some advice or help, or maybe just someone to listen to how he feels.
This compassionate approach encourages connection and communication. A confrontational approach, on the other hand, often leads to a child becoming defensive and angry, shutting down communication altogether. You can be firm and friendly, saying something like, “It’s okay to be feeling anxious or uncomfortable going back and forth between houses. However, it’s not okay to say unkind things about me, or anyone for that matter.”
Instead of making it personal (Don’t talk about me that way), you can make it general (We speak about people respectfully).
Parents are also human beings, so when someone (including a former spouse) speaks ill of us, it feels uncomfortable and hurtful. You can tell your son that. By being vulnerable and sharing your feelings, you are modelling for your child how to identify and express emotions. You might say, “When you repeat unkind things about me, I feel disrespected and sad.”
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As for differing practices around chores and homework at each home, share with your son why these routines are important at your house. For most of us, these parenting practices are closely connected to the values we want to pass on to our kids, such as hard work, perseverance, mutual support, caring and responsibility. Making a meaningful contribution to the household is part of the training and preparation we do with our kids to help them develop the skills to meet the challenges of life.
During the teen years, one of the most powerful parenting tools we have is the strength of the relationship between parent and child. In parenting, we always say “connection before correction.” We don’t need to sacrifice one for the other, and we can maintain healthy connections with our kids while correcting misperceptions and misbehaviours.
As told to Gayle MacDonald. Responses have been edited and condensed.